Are You Sure That You Need to Defend Yourself?
“You’re wrong!” How many times have you felt attacked with these words from a loved one? In response, how many times did you recoil in anger or hurl back an equally insensitive accusation? When we behave in this way within our relationships, we are making a decision to cut off communication and opportunities for personal growth. Our behavior looks and feels childlike because we are, in essence, throwing a tantrum. Children respond this way because they are not aware of alternatives. They have not had the opportunity to develop more appropriate ways to deal with their emotions and the reactions they have to others. As adults, we may also find that our choice of alternative behaviors is lacking so we resort to childlike attitudes and actions. Are you ready, in this moment, to seek out healthy ways to respond to your loved one that invites forgiveness and acceptance?
It may be helpful for you to recreate in your mind those moments when someone has wronged you. This reflection may include past events in childhood or more recent times with your partner. Without judgment or criticism, meditate on how you are feeling and what images come to mind. Invite your higher power or the memory of a supportive friend in to comfort you. In this state of consolation, ask for ways you may bring the spirit of forgiveness to your loved one. The wrong done to you may not be forgotten (at least at this time) but you can let go and seek the gift of forgiveness to flood your heart. It is not our job to right the wrongs of others. It is our opportunity to look for ways to share acceptance and understanding while remaining truthful with ourselves in this journey.
If you feel attacked by what your partner says to you it might be wise to stop for a moment and ask, “I feel the need to defend myself. Are you attempting to attack me”? We have often found that when that question posed by one of us to the other the answer is one of surprise. We have usually heard from our partner that they had not been attacking us and did not intend for it to be received the way we heard it. We have also found it helpful to ask ourselves, “do I really need to be protected from the person I felt so loved by yesterday”?
We encourage you to reflect on a time when you waged a full-scale defense against something your partner said only to find out later that you were not really being attacked.