Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk
If you are over thirty, you may remember phrases like “do not cry over spilled milk” and “the past is the past…you should not live in the past.” Those rules for coping with feelings were prominent when pop music discouraged “big boys” from crying and hit movies suggested “love meant never having to say you are sorry.” There were so many rules for how we should feel or act that it is no wonder so many of us found ways to dull the pain of living.
While the journey down memory lane may be nostalgic, those rules for coping with our emotions can cause many problems in romantic relationships especially if the relationship has endured emotional injury either through life experiences such as financial hardship or sickness or as a result of the harms the partners have caused each other. One of the ways that many of us dull this kind of emotional pain is through the use of coping strategies, that while they appear to be adaptive in the beginning, eventually turn into defects of character in time that can cause more problem than they “fix”. The pain associated with romantic rejection, for example, may not be addressed adequately through the well-meaning condolences of loved ones who proclaim there are “a great many fish in the sea” or “time heals all wounds”. The feelings that remain after the memory of the well-meaning platitudes wear off are likely to jade your picture of romantic commitment and negatively affect your ability to find and sustain secure romantic attachment.
We agree that it is unhealthy to live in the past, but purposeful excursions into the past with people we trust can uncover valuable insights into the defects of character we struggle to let go of in the 6th Step. The wisdom found in Alcoholics Anonymous, (1953) suggests “we grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets” (p. 124). Additionally, our past will be the source of infinite value to our partner or other couples if we are willing to share ourselves completely with others. “You are only as sober as your deepest, darkest secrets.” We both recoiled from that admonition because we dreaded the thought that our partner would know the truth about our past. We had both experienced numerous romantic failures and suspected that our new relationship would suffer the same fate as the rest of them – disaster. We would start fresh and keep our past from our partner. If we choose to keep our past from our partner, we will soon be amazed by the conflict it stirs.
We encourage you to reflect on some of the rules for dealing with your emotions that you learned growing up that did not serve you very well in romantic relationships.